Talking to Miss Understood

Gosh, I just had this really long talk with my aunt. My gosh, whatever happened to her? She kept complaining about the stuff that’s been going on in her life. She kept saying that her siblings should have protected her and should have helped her with her business. I’m like, what the...? I mean, I get that she needs help and all that, but the truth is, I don’t get why she thinks that her sibling AREN’T protecting and helping her out. I mean, did she think that her sibling have this special magic wherein they can control outside forces? Did she think that her siblings could snap their fingers and make everything alright? Seriously!!!

The truth is, part of me does sympathize with her, then again, a part of me just wants to scream, “My God, get over it! Life sucks so deal with it!” I mean, she keeps going on and on over the same effing things; things that have happened eons ago. I know that life has been hard on her, but so what? Is that reason enough to blame others for her misfortunes? Does that give her the right to stop trying? Does this make her special? I don’t think so.

I have to admit that I wanted to help her. I tried reasoning with her cause I wanted her to realize how absurd her thinking was; how all these things are just in her head. But the thing is, talking to her is like talking a brick wall. She doesn’t listen. She wants to talk and talk and complain and blame and talk a couple of more times. I heard her clearly but couldn’t understand what she’s saying. Whenever I ask her what she means, she would say, “Didn’t I just tell you?”, and so I would try and paraphrase how I understood it only to have her deny saying those things. It’s like, her mouth had a mind of its own and she couldn’t quite control it. She said that we don’t understand her, and I guess that’s true. I mean, at least for me, personally, I have to admit that I don’t understand her. I can comprehend the words that are coming out of her mouth, but I can’t say that I can truly grasp what she’s saying. I mean, I don’t get where she’s getting all these feelings. Is it the middle child syndrome thing? Did she snap without recognizing it? I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that she has a lot of angst. She has this need to blame people for the things that are going on in her life when truth is, some things just happen. Shit happens.

I know that she’s in a bad place right now, but it’s really hard to feel for her when all she does is blame the people I care about. I can probably forgive her for being the way she is eventually but as of now, I’m really frustrated with her. I can’t believe that she’s saying all these things about our family and that she doesn’t realize how hurtful and belligerent she’s become. She says that she’s not one to blame but she’s doing exactly that, blaming people; and blaming the ones that care about her the most, no less. And when I call it like I see it, she withdraws and accuse us of ganging up and conspiring against her. I’m like, what the eff? Get over yourself, you’re not the center of our universe!

I know, I know, I should try to understand her. After all, compared to her, I’m in a much better place. I guess I’m just a little upset with how she’s handling this whole thing. I hate the idea that she thinks that she’s the only one with the problems, I hate it even more that she thinks that there’s something we can do and that we’re not doing it. Does she really think that if her siblings could help, that they would withhold themselves from assisting her? I realize that we might not constantly call up each other and show our concern, but that’s just how it is. This doesn’t mean that we would go out of our way to hurt our own family. It just means that we’re busy with our own lives.

I guess she wants a little more attention from her family, and I suppose that’s fair. After all, it’s not too much to ask for the support of our family right? But the truth is, after everything’s been said and done, family or not, we can’t expect anyone to be responsible for us, nor can we assume and demand that they figure out how to help us, especially when we can’t help ourselves or when we push away the people who wants to help us.

I sincerely hope that in time, she’ll come to realize all of this. That she’ll rise through all this crap and carry on. I wish that she’ll come back to us and realize that we have never deserted her. I wish that she’ll know that as long as she needs us, as long as she asks, we are willing to help. I wish she would realize that even though she feels she’s all alone, even though she thinks that we’re out to get her, we’re here, we love her and we’re waiting for her to come home.

The One with Them Talking Behind Their Friends Back

A few days ago, I heard from a colleague of mine that a number of supervisors were talking about another supervisor in front of the subordinates. You see, rumor has it that this supervisor left the company for another offer and was supposed to come back, even shook hands with the boss; alas, when a better offer from another company was made to this supervisor, he took the second offer and went back on his word that he would work in our company. As you can imagine, people started talking about him behind his back. Some of whom happened to be his friends... or so I thought.

As I heard what was said about this supervisor, I wondered how the supervisor would feel if he knew that his so-called friends were talking about him behind his back. Truth is, I can understand why these people might want to rant about what they felt of the situation, but was it really necessary for them to talk about it in front of the employees who used to work for this ex-supervisor? And what about the fact that they worked with this person for more than five years, doesn't it mean anything to them? Doesn't he deserve their loyalty?

I guess that's what I can't accept in this world; the fact that you can never tell what's real and what's not. Take this supervisor's case for example, I know he did something wrong, he shouldn't have backed out on his word, but what his friends did, trashing him in front of the other employees, it's just despicable. If they really had something to say to this guy, why don't they just tell it to him straight? Why do they have to talk about him behind his back? Why do they have to paint this supervisor in such a bad light? I know they are frustrated, I know they are mad, but that doesn't give them reason to do what they did. It's really unacceptable.

I guess you really know who your true friends are when you start screwing up. Then again, maybe these people were never this supervisor's friends to begin with. After all, as Solomon Ibn Gabirol once said, "A friend is someone who will tell me my faults in private."

***
"However rare true love may be, it is less so than true friendship." ~ La Rochefoucauld

Top 10 Reasons to Break Up with Your Partner

1. If your partner hits you.
Start running towards the door when your partner hits you. I know people do stupid things when they are in the heat of the moment, but physical violence towards a person should never be an option.

2. If your partner cheats on you.
There's this saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I don't believe that. Having said that, I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who has cheated on me. That's not to say that I think he would do it again but that I would know by then how much he loved me. If you can cheat on your partner, it means you don't love your partner enough to be monogamous.

3. If you have fallen out of love.
Without love, I don't see the point of staying in a relationship.

4. If you are hanging on to your partner's potential.
People change when they want to not when you want to. If you can't accept your partner for who he really is, maybe you don't love him as much as you love his potential.

5. If you find yourself lying to your partner.
I believe that trust is one of the keystones of a successful relationship. When you start lying to your partner, it can mean one of two things: One, that you know that your doing something wrong and two, you think that your partner can't accept whatever it is your lying about. Either way, I don't see it turning into a happy ending.

6. If your partner isn't making you happy.
There's no point staying in a relationship if you're not happy. I'm not saying that you have to break up with your partner as soon as you have a fight, I'm just saying that if you consistently find yourself distressing over your current relationship, maybe it's a sign that you should find your happiness elsewhere.

7. If your partner doesn't appreciate your worth.
The reason we even enter a relationship is because we want to find someone who can compliment and complete us, if your partner can't appreciate who and what you are, don't think for a second that he can compliment or complete you.

8. If you have different principles with your partner.
When you can't agree on a similar set of moral values, at least find out if the two of you can learn how to compromise. If you can't, it would probably be best to conclude your relationship as it would be difficult for the two of you to plan a future together.

9. If you start weighing on the pros and cons of your relationship.
When you start doing this, it means you are starting to doubt the importance of your relationship. If that's the case, then maybe you shouldn't be in this relationship.

10. If you think you can find someone better.
When this happens, by all means, break up with your partner and find that person. Don't think that you can prevent hurting your partner because you can't. If you stay in a relationship just because you don't want to hurt anyone, you'll eventually find yourself hurting more people in the end.

The One with the Changes We Can't Change

Recently, a friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend. She said that she has a hard time letting go because of all the things they have been through in the past few years. Albeit they are not all pleasant, she felt that letting go would be such a shame. She said, "What about our memories? What about our history?"

Thing is, we hang on to the past because we feel that it's the easier route. We hate the idea of letting go simply because we've made so many efforts and sacrifices that we think that hanging on is our only option. Sometimes, we want to hang on a little while longer just so we can make the present bearable.

Truth be told, I couldn't help but empathize with my friend. I know what it's like to want things to stay the same. Be that as it may, things change, they always do; and while we hang on to the past with our dear lives, it doesn't change the fact that the world continues to go on; it goes on accepting everything that has happened.

As I look at my friend mope on her current crisis, I couldn't help but think that maybe we should just let go of the past; maybe there's a light on the other side of the tunnel; maybe we give the past too much credit than it actually deserves; maybe we should learn from the world and be one with it so that we can live our present and plan for a new future. I know that moving on is probably going to be difficult, but I think that it's the kindest thing we can do for ourselves. Besides, as difficult as it seems to live in the present, living in the past is worse.

In the end, while there's no chance for us to stop the changes that are happening around us, we should find comfort that we can change ourselves to adapt to the changes that the world throws at us.

***
“We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.” ~ Charles R. Swindoll

Letter to B #4

Despite what we say out loud, sometimes, a part inside of us feels different. Maybe it's a defense mechanism; maybe we want to appear stronger than we truly are; maybe we want to convince ourselves that everything is okay when it clearly isn't... for whatever reason, I'm doing it right now with you. I say that everything is fine between us and that I can understand why you've been distant. Truth is, I know that things will never go back and I don't have a clue why things turn out the way they did. Perhaps, one day, I can ask you face to face. As of now however, I can only wonder...

The One with the Hypothetical Apology

A friend of mine was filling me in with what happened to her this past few months. She informed me that this guy that was making the moves on her is out of her life for something that he did. As I listened to her story, I learned that after what happened, the guy has consistently made contact, even apologizing for whatever it is that has offended this friend of mine. Unfortunately, he still doesn't know what it was. At any rate, listening to my friend rant made me wonder if apologies are ever enough.

If you read my previous entries, you can probably gather that I can be very stubborn about certain things and that those things have resulted to the termination of some of my friendships. Although my situation is different from my friend's, I started putting myself in her shoes. I started wondering if things would have been different had my ex-friend apologized to me. What would I have done if my ex-friend realized how horrible she was to me and apologized, would I have stayed friends with her?

Truth of the matter is, while a part of me realizes that my anger is directed towards the fact that this friend of mine broke whatever confidence I entrusted to her in the past, deep down inside, I know that I was, probably still am, more angry at myself for choosing that road. I hated the fact that against my better judgment, I decided her friendship was more important than my principles; that I allowed myself to become the victim; and that ultimately, I was the one who knew better and yet still made the choice of putting myself in such a regretful position. Having said that, I never once considered the possibility of this person apologizing to me. If she did, however, I don't think I could ever be friends with her again. Maybe I could eventually forgive her, even wish her well on her future, but I can't ever trust her again. I guess sometimes, even after the apologies, once the damage has been done, there's no turning back.

Be that as it may, let me tell you this, although I have yet to recover from the experience, I have to admit, if I have to choose all over again, I would probably make the same decision. I guess you can say I've learned to accept the fact that while this experience is upsetting, I know that it was necessary to turn me into the person that I am today, a better person.

***
“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.” ~ Author Unknown

Forgiveness = Forgive and Forget ≠ Forgive Can't Forget?

All of us have been wronged one way or the other. Sometimes it's by a stranger, other times it's by the ones we love. Whichever the case may be, we can either choose to move on or concentrate on the pain. The gracious thing to do, they say, is to forgive and forget. My question is can you forgive if you can't forget?

I do not doubt for a second that forgetting will speed up the process of forgiveness. I believe, however, that it would be too much to say that forgiveness comes only when you have learned to forget the experience that has caused you harm.

Perhaps Gerald Jampolsky said it best when he said, "Forgiveness means letting go of the past." Maybe that's what "forget" really means: to not let the hurt take a hold of you; to not let it consume you until you turn yourself into something horrible; to find a way for it to diffuse into your entire being until it becomes a part of you so that you can turn it into something good and decent.

In the end, I suppose it is safe to say that it is possible to forgive and forget. That's not to say that forgiveness only comes hand-in-hand with forgetting. I believe that forgiveness is a process that you have to live through one step at a time, sometimes you can forget about what has happened, other times you don't. Ultimately, I believe you shouldn't force yourself to forgive and forget because if you do, the experience will eventually find its way back to haunt you.

***
“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.” ~ Thomas S. Szasz